I cry too much
I hide my face, and I hide my tears
that threaten to fall in every little scenario
a single word, a glare, a slap on the head
even just calling out my name
something as simple as my god dammed name
is enough to blur my vision
and choke up my throat
preventing me from being able to answer what inevitably follows
forcing the tears out of my eyes
in my head, I know what to do
I run over what I want to say over and over again
but my throat has closed up long ago
and shows no signs of wavering
the borders are shut and no longer opening
and I sit there, in silence
running over the negatives again and again
thinking about how I’m wasting people’s time
how they must despise me
how useless they must think I am
how they must be laughing at me behind my back
no escape from this endless cycle of suffocating thoughts
like an older sibling swimming next to you
taking any opportunity
when the adults aren’t looking
to push your head underwater
and hold it there for an ungodly amount of time
and you kick and kick
scream and scream
feeling as if your lungs are filling up with water
and oh god
you’re about to drown
until by sheer luck
good will on someone else’s part
you are released from that prison
and cough and cough and sputter
spewing water like a fountain
and when you turn back to your sibling
not a single indication of guilt can be seen on their face
they don’t think they did anything wrong
it was all fun and games to them
those who were stronger and older
and had the power to fight back
against any feeble attack that you tried to force upon them
you’d feel the tears welling up, and couldn’t stop them from flowing
but we’re they out of anger?
or fear?
of pain?
or frustration?
did it matter to them at all?
no.
they would just grin and laugh
sneer at the stupid crying child
tell you you’re over dramatic
sensitive
useless
weak
can’t take a joke
each word, hit like a rubber bullet
a shot to the chest
hurt like hell
and terrifying
but not enough to kill you
but as this repeats, again and again,
you realise
they’re right
you’re all those things
over dramatic. overly sensitive. weak. useless. can’t take a joke.
and I accepted it
but this response doesn’t go away
no matter how much I rationalise it
how much I tell myself it’s illogical
no matter how much I say that I’m ok
in any situation
it’s like a reflex
that kicks in
at the worst possible moment
and reflects a part of me I hate
I’ve accepted that this response is overly dramatic
and although I hate to admit it,
that I’m overly sensitive
but why hasn’t it stopped?
over all these years
it persists
even if I think I’ve grown as a person
it persists
and that makes me angrier
that I can’t control it
that I can’t calm myself down and handle the situation like anyone else
it makes me angrier
and I get more upset each time it happens
and my throat closes up even further
and my tears well up even faster
and it gets to the point where I can’t suck them back in to hide my shame
and they run down my face
where everyone can see
and laugh
and scorn.
even now
to this day
aren’t you the one,
who can’t hold back your tears in class
when a teacher snaps at you
or talks to you 1 on 1
and the panic sets it,
and your throat closes up
and you find yourself at a loss
although knowing exactly what to say
running it over in your head again and again
like some sick, twisted treadmill that never stops
but being unable to speak
making it worse
making it all worse
with everyone in the room staring at you
wondering why this
teenaged girl
has tears running down her face
and a choked up voice if she can even speak at all
when she’s called on to read a paragraph in class
and I wonder too
how this embarrassment of a person came to be
how this came to be my natural reaction to any anger, or panic of fear
how I turned out like this
and how it remained like this
despite all the attempts to change
fruitless in the end, just like everything else
